la la la la L.A.

May 20, 2000 .

My heart is palpitating. I drank coffee today. I couldn’t resist the Starbucks grande mocha and the cinnamon bundt cake. A taste of heaven flooded down by a chocolately coffee river of ahhh.

I can’t resist anything I like. I like to give in to my desires. I’m a hedonist. Yeah, that’s me alright, baby. Put it up there and if I like it, I’m going for it. Know what I mean? Gaining a little weight there, Bernadette? Who cares? I’m out of the dating cesspool and I’ve got a man who accepts me the way I am. And the way I’m going to be. This is me, babe.

Anyway I like the comforting folds of skin that wrap around my belly like a forever hug making me want to throw out old clothes that fit some memory of a skinny girl long gone. I lived in her once and it didn’t make me happier.

My comfort lies now in flowing feminine skirts with elastic waistbands. They allow my padded midsection to breathe, stretch and grow even larger without the harsh criticism of a button or zipper. Pass me another donut, honey. Sugar makes me giggle.

Look around at the spandex driven women hurrying by on their way to their yoga, tae bo, pilates, weight training, aerobic fantasy land.
Is looking slimmer going to make you a nicer person?
Is looking slimmer going to give you spiritual serenity?
Is looking slimmer going to guarantee acceptance by others?
Stop exercising the exterior and exercise the interior.

I try to exercise being less critical of myself. I try. I make an effort. I haven’t completely gotten there yet.
I am aware.
I am happy I’m aware because once I lived at the center of a dark abyss of self-hatred. I denied myself the joy of appreciating the gifts that I had been given. To look at my reflection was a voyage into the land of pure nit-pickery. I had condemned myself to a world where I could never measure up.

See what I’m saying here? You gotta just get with the program. Take yourself the way you are and fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke. Whatcha going to do? Spend your whole life trying to please a bunch of yahoos who don’t matter anyway?

The eyes of others are cold judges on the home of the loving heart. They see not what’s inside, but look down at the vessel, taking that for its sole worth, wrapping it in designer labeled garb and wrapping that, in shiny cars made in foreign lands. Do they sleep better at night now?

That is not the way I want to be.
That is not the way I want to encourage others to be.
That is not the way I think children should be raised to be.
That is the road leading to unhappiness.
That is the road leading to disappointment.
That is the road leading to chasing your tail in an endless dance of hell.
And I’ll be damned if I’m going down that road again.
My option is up and I’m taking an exit at everlasting joy and love and making a right turn to a world full of hugs and self acceptance. Yeah!